Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur may have happened last semester, but that doesn’t mean the Jewish holidays are over. Far from it, there are countless holidays throughout the year — we’ll take any opportunity to eat food. There are holidays where we eat food in huts, holidays where we eat food in a triangle shape and even the rare holiday where we don’t eat food at all (these holidays are frequently bookended by large meals before and after since we eat like Hobbits apparently).
But if you’re anything like me, there was something you’d hear all the time last semester. “You’re so lucky.” That’s what the goyim always tell me when they see me taking off for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. “You had to fast for 25 hours and spend all day in synagogue, thereby missing Econ 100? Soooo lucky.”
That’s right, Jews get to miss class, so everyone’s jealous (a real change of pace, historically). But it makes perfect sense. Why else would you pay the price of a reasonably priced yacht for classes if not to avoid attending said classes as much as possible? And since we already get off for those boring Christian holidays and AU is too woke to take off for Columbus Day (fun fact, Columbus was recently discovered to be Jewish — because you can’t win them all), the only choice you have if you want more days off is to convert to the OG Abrahamic affiliation.
Or
Just trick your professor into thinking you’re Jewish. Hear me out, hear me out. I have a foolproof plan that’ll really trick them into thinking you’re one of the most Semitic students around. Grab a yarmulke from your middle school friend’s bar mitzvah and tip it to your professor as if it were a cowboy hat, a sign of respect. “Shabbat shalom,” you may begin. “Oy vey, is it warm in here!” (“Cold” may be substituted as needed). “Matzah balls!”
Now that you have some skin in the game (although real Jews would have had some since day eight), you may begin by channeling the thickest New York accent you can muster (make Chuck Schumer proud).
“As I was saying, shalom professor. You may not know this about me, but I am very Jewish. Extremely, even. And as my bubbe once said, my extremely Jewish son/daughter/child should always take off for the Jewish holidays, of which there are many and honestly too many to name so why even bother.”
If your professor does press you for the name of the holiday and you forget an actual one, simply say the word “yom” (meaning day) and then anything else that sounds Jewish after it, such as “Yom Shalom” (day of hello), “Yom Kvetch” (day of complaining) or simply “Yom Oy Vey” (which could also translate to day of complaining). Explain that you can’t be in class because you need to study the Jewish bible, you know, the one with a little less Jesus, and run home to feed your gefilte fish. You’ll then give them a final winning smile, and if you want bonus points, get your friends to lift you up in the chair and dance in circles around you during this final plea.
Now, you may be skeptical of this plan. But I’m telling you, it’s foolproof. Is it because it conveys a convincing argument? Nope. Is it because you’ll have demonstrated enough knowledge of the Jewish religion? Not at all. Is it because there are so many Jews in this school, why would they even question it? Yes. Yes, it is.
Eric Steinberg is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown, Charlie Mennuti and Nicole Kariuki.
