Hey Diva in Chief,
It’s us, your favorite group of rag-tag rapscallions at American University’s finest legit publication: AWOL the Seagle. We have a simple ask to make — and before you stop reading, no silly, it isn’t our cherished civil liberties. All we want is us (yes! All five of us) to be press secretary.
Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m in! Well thank you, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, you haven’t even heard our reasons. As satire writers, there are no better candidates for this job. Not only do we have a pretty fast and loose relationship with the supposed “truth,” but we’re very loyal — a trait you so wisely value above all else. And let us tell you there are many such cases of our loyalty! We all voted for you. Well, some of us voted for you. Well, one of us voted for you. Well, if you add an “n” before “one.” But who likes spelling anyway? Just trust us!
Honestly, Don. We could really use a pick me up. Earlier this year we tried to buy Infowars but our $20 bid was somehow outdone. Even when we tossed in the Chili’s gift card and Jasmine’s hearty stew. With our meager funds stolen from our supple cisgender hands by notorious trans ally Charles Schumer, we are destitute and could use the famously long lasting job security of a gig at the Trump White House.
To convince you further, here’s an organized list of traits each writer brings to the table:
- Jack Leary: Dashing good looks and an airtight knowledge of Citizens United (2010).
- Jasmine: Stew. Yum yum yummy warm stew for those cold D.C. nights when all you want to do is get a big, steaming bowl of hearty stew and cuddle up under Melania’s legendary Christmas lights.
- India: Owen Leary.
- Aidan: Frankincense and myrrh.
- Eric: Subpar Trump impression. You know when you’re too tired to be president? Well, Eric’s got you covered. With a very solid 7/10 Trump voice you can take as many breaks as you need. He’s got you!
You know what? We get it, five is a lot. That’s why you settled with the very reasonable three wives. And that’s why we would like to present a counter offer: let three of us serve as press secretary, while the other two serve as the poet laureate. And fine. Okay. You can have Jack Leary on weekends as legal counsel about campaign compliance laws. Our treat. But we get him the rest of the week.
So what do you say, big man? Are you ready to make herstory?
This piece was written by the Satire Staff. It was edited by India Siecke, Rebeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Nicole Kariuki and Ella Rousseau.
