The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Dear American University Community,
We are excited to introduce to you a brand new set of rules and regulations which, we’re proud to say, have been approved for imposition on the student body! As always, we remain committed to the freedom of all of our AU Eagles, and as part of our commitment to inclusive excellence, we’re especially attentive to the Board of Trustees.
Unfortunately, it has been brought to our attention that recent student demonstrations have made some members of the board feel uncomfortable and unsafe in their investments. At American University, safety is our top priority, and the disgustingly wealthy should always feel safe putting their names on our buildings. Therefore, we have taken the liberty of producing the following adjustments to our free expression policy.
First, in order to prevent any unsavory topics from circulating among the student body, the subject of speech must now be discussed with university officials before it is publicly articulated. AU does not necessarily endorse using free speech, but if students feel that they absolutely need to speak out, we now have a procedure to ensure that student voices are used correctly. Students may submit a free speech request to our newly developed Office of Truth, which will help us determine whether student thoughts are consistent with the Board of Trustees’ beliefs. Our Truth Counselors will respond within 48 hours, confirming whether student concerns are legitimate or whether they are eligible for worldview re-education.
We understand that this change is sudden and might be confusing at first. However, we guarantee that there is an easy way to figure out what a good AU student should think. When in doubt, students should ask themselves: “What would Clawed think?” For example, Clawed loves inoffensive center-left politics. Clawed advocates for recycling, social security and marriage rights for bland, non-threatening gay couples. These topics are important and consistent with our mission as a university. Clawed doesn’t need to consider anything else. Especially foreign policy and the Middle East.
Along with the opening of the McDowell Office of Truth, we have also designed a space specifically designed to facilitate free expression. Located in the Beeghly Chemistry Building, the Student Expression Zone will be a place for students from all backgrounds to express their opinions. We have reserved 10 square feet for this expression, which we assure you has minimal amounts of the arsenic and black mold that closed the building in the first place. Between the hours of 12 a.m. and 6 a.m. on alternating Mondays and Wednesdays, the Student Expression Zone will open its doors for independent free expression hours. During this time, one student will be allowed to raise their concerns aloud or in writing in the SEZ. Students may collaborate in their free expression in the SEZ if they wish, so long as a Truth Officer is present during the session. Needless to say, users of amplified sound will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the policy.
In this regard, we have also implemented a discipline system to mirror the new policy. A student’s first violation of the speech policy will result in mandatory enrollment in STFU-100, a course designed to re-educate students to understand the consequences of their actions. A second infraction will require students to attend a week retreat to AU’s own Airlie Farm, which will give them an up-close experience with the grueling lives of those who insist on going against the tide. Although capital punishment is publicly forbidden in D.C., a third strike will be an unfortunate reminder that AU is a private institution.
With that said, the new policy is, of course, not only about discipline. Positive action should not go unrewarded, which is why we will also be starting the Social Safety Hotline. With the hotline, students will be able to safely and securely report any breaches of the policy by their fellow students. Students will receive fifty dining dollars for each violation reported.
In these difficult times, all students must do as they are told and not ask questions. We sincerely thank you for your continued tuition payments and assure you that we will continue to fund whoever and whatever we please.
Backward we go together,
The American University Treasury
Jack Leary is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Rebeca Samano Arellano, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Nicole Kariuki and Ella Rousseau.
