It’s a new semester, with new classes and a new cast of C-listers that you’ll develop no deep emotional bonds to, just an awkward smile every time you walk past them. But you do know a little bit about them, which is the terrible answer they gave to the terrible icebreaker question they are asked. But what’s this? OH NO! An evil witch crashed through the windows and decided to hex all of you! Now everything you’ve said has become literal, with a “Monkey’s Paw” style ironic turn!
“If you could bring any three things to a deserted island, what would you bring?”
“My journal so I can record my thoughts, a photo of my dog and my phone so I can call for help!” the girl next to you said.
Yeah, that’s cute, but when you’re burning up your Pomeranian named PooPoo DooDoo and the written memory of Hoco with Brad for survival to cook up an earthworm, you might be thinking differently. Also, you stupid, stupid girl, there’s no service on a deserted island so all you can do is go unplugged and live the bohemian life. But that’s even stupider because YOU’RE NOT JESSA FROM THE 2012 HBO DRAMEDY “GIRLS.” Sorry, that was a weird and irrelevant thing to say. Honestly, the witch is jealous and projecting.
“If you could have dinner with any person, dead or alive, who would it be?”
“Genghis Khan,” the guy sitting in the corner said. “I hear that like half the world is descended from him. What if I’m one of his great-grandkids or something?”
Really? Dinner with him? One minute, he’s battling his way through north China, and the next, he’s sitting at a dinner table with some School of International Service dork. He’s going to completely lose it, man! Also, something tells me that you don’t speak Proto-Mongolic, so good luck calming him down. Now all you’ve got is a bewildered steppe raider and cold food. Great job!
Some other guy felt emboldened by the manly man energy of that answer and decided not to learn his lesson and say, “Christopher Columbus!” Well, now that chowderhead unleashed Christopher Columbus onto the Terrace Dining Room, and he was just caught aggressively flirting with an ethnic-looking girl, draping a blanket (filled with smallpox) over her shoulders. Now this campus has another contact disease to worry about (not that the student body hasn’t been busy anyway).
“If you could time travel to any decade, which would you choose?”
Some idiot scoffed and said, “The 2020s cuz I’m already acclimated to the environment.” HAHA. You’re so boring. The witch hated you so much. Now you’re stuck in a time loop from March 2020 to December 2022. Enjoy those 2 weeks off from school. Maybe you can try to get your Valorant rank back and impress the ABG you met online by sympathetically saying, “Racism sucks, stop Asian hate.”
“If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be?”
Someone actually asked Jasmine this. So now she’s mad that she has to answer (chopstick) and then subsequently get turned into a chopstick. Just the one, never the pair, because she’s doomed to be lonely. But the witch felt bad, so she also turned her professor into a spoon. It makes for an alright acoustic dining drum set.
This piece was written by The Seagle Staff. This article was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown, Charlie Mennuti and Nicole Kariuki.
