Sure, the spring semester may have just begun, but it’s never too early to start planning ahead like the wonk you are. So here’s a list of new classes coming out next semester that you should consider adding in Eagle Service:
1. Introduction to Errm Actually (WONK-01110111 01101111 01100101 01110011)
Although many of you may have gotten credit for this class in high school, this course, originally part of the AUx (American University Experience) curriculum, is essential to succeed at AU. You’ll learn basic techniques, such as proper glasses-wearing, appropriate finger pointing and rocking the suspenders and bow tie look. Located in SIS (any room will do).
2. Movies Starring Matt Damon Entitled “The Martian” Released Between 2013 and 2015 (SOX-018)
By the end of this class, your knowledge of film will not have grown much at all, but on the bright side, you will have a comprehensive knowledge of every movie starring Matt Damon entitled “The Martian” that was released between the years 2013 and 2015. Plus, by the end of the class, you will also have grown potatoes from your feces, which, to align with AU’s Green Initiative, will be served in the Terrace Dining Room.
3. The Ethics of Crayon Eating And Other Assorted Materials (RED-040)
This class examines the highly debated issues surrounding the consumption of commonly used art supplies, including — but not limited to — paper, paste (and other glue substitutes) and, of course, crayons. The class will examine the life of the very first crayon eater, Lil’ Jebediah, and how frequent craft consumption can lead to material scarcity, garbage hand turkeys and diarrhea. The class will conclude by putting a single red Crayola crayon in front of each student and seeing who can resist temptation the longest.
Meets the Ethical Reasoning Habits of Mind requirement.
4. Advanced Celebrity Apology Videos (DUI-101)
This is a required class for Theatre majors planning to get famous, do something controversial, get canceled and beg for redemption from the scathing public. This class builds on the foundations taught in Introductory Celebrity Apology Videos, with new techniques such as realistic-looking tears, hastily written ukulele solos and a technique that has become very popular in recent years: the non-apology. By the end of the course, you’ll be able to commit a minor felony without losing a single fan.
5. AUx3 (CORE-300)
As our AUx and AU Encounters programs continue to restructure, we’re excited to announce AUx3. The best way to become an informed and involved AU student is by celebrating what the campus has to offer, and what better place to do that than in our own TDR? It’s like Facebook Marketplace for soggy vegetables. Our numerous stations and friendly staff will make you feel right at home. Try out Rockbot to play your favorite tunes. Take a tour of the kitchen and see where the action is. Learn about our dynamic TDR to Go service. Sometimes it even works right! Look at the time — you’re hungry for another meal already.
Take another tour of the kitchen, really get in there, and cook up some ribs, burgers or our 27 different forms of potatoes! Take a tour of the sleeping area. I bet you didn’t know they had those! Is it almost mealtime again? Remember, TDR has food that’s available to all types of students with all types of dietary restrictions; you can always find something to eat, and it’s as though you never have to leave. Students can just stay and eat in TDR and nowhere else. So stay. And cook. And eat. Tour the sleeping area again. Look at the time — you might as well stay here for the night. Housing’s not free, you know. Maybe you should work in the kitchen to repay that debt. And the cycle continues forever. And ever.
Meets the Creative-Aesthetic Inquiry Habits of Mind requirement.
Eric Steinberg is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown and Nicole Kariuki.
