I hang out with other people that are my age, and they’re just – kind of – *erratically spasms with anxiety and bemoaning about the new administration* Dude, like, can we not talk about the political and economic state of the world right now? What should I say?
JAS: What would fellow beloved J-name Jaden Smith say? He would certainly keep you mindful and on track and say, “Look at my phone! Selfie!” I think we should all listen to that guy. He, too, wants to “turn up” and “play music loud” in Atlanta! Yeah, he knows cities. He’s cool.
JACK: I’ve considered the question a lot. Every day, when I head into Kerwin Hall and have to hear about current events and stuff, I’m in shock. Things happened today? But things just happened yesterday! And the day before that! When will it end?? I read and listen to the political science talk that I’m paying thousands of dollars for, and it’s just so many goddamn words. My brain can only handle a few words a day, and “autocratization” can’t be one of them. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t stop things from happening, so, really, there’s only one solution: A nice, clean lobotomy. One pole in my forehead, and it’ll be smooth sailing. If Bob and Larry have taught me anything, it’s that being in a vegetative state rocks, so I’m looking forward to it.
ERIC: I think it’s important to remember that we’re all going to die someday. The way things are looking, the day may be sooner than we think. All of our collective efforts to better the world and sustain moral virtue will be halted by the unrelinquishing march of time that comes for us all. So sure, let’s just take over Greenland because why not? The Danish and Americans might not have a lot in common, but what we do have in common is that we’re all going to end up in the ground one day. Well, not me. I’m getting my future generations to cremate me and spread my ashes on a cross-country road trip in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. But for the rest of you, crank up some “Amazing Grace” on the absolute worst-sounding Irish bagpipes you can find.
DOMENIC: I was also shocked by the mobs of dorks, dweebs, nerds, geeks and other manners of intellectual losers here at American University. Back home in rural Idaho, my government class was taught by our gym teacher. If you’re anything like me, you came to school to meet bros, go loco, drink Four Loko, smoke bricks, find sticks and smash chicks. Sometimes you gotta cut the toxicity out of your life, homie. Peer pressure is real, and it should only be used to get other people to drink, not to discuss scary things like politics. You should tell your friends that you find them really annoying and that they need to stop saying boring stuff. Stay safe out there, brotha.
FAIZA: Finally, we’re returning to the true OG supreme law of the land — the Bible. We used to follow good ol’ Judeo-Christian values until the woke mob invented the Constitution. As the great scholar Jack Brewer once lamented, “We don’t teach God in our schools anymore, we don’t even teach the 10 Commandments and so they don’t have a fear of God.” And honestly? He has a point. Why waste time on Advanced Placement government class when we have Acts of the Apostles? Who needs checks and balances when we can just check the Gospel according to Matthew? Because clearly, Jesus was from New Jersey, not Nazareth — just like how AU students will write a 10-page analysis on democratic backsliding but still can’t backslide their way out of a conversation about politics at a party.
This article was written by the Seagle Staff. It was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown, Nicole Kariuki, Hannah Langenfeld.
