When a holiday approaches, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Usually, people think about family, friends and the like. Some might tell you that holidays are best experienced with loved ones, celebrating your own traditions. Foolish. There is ONE thing on my mind every time I have something on my calendar: products. And yet, with Easter around the corner, I’ve seen nary a soul talk about how excited they are to buy Peeps. What has this country come to?
You’ve heard the narrative a thousand times. You’ve been told that you shouldn’t let corporations “trick” you into emotional attachment. You’ve been told that corporate loyalty is wrong. Well, go ahead and throw all of that out of the window (protected by ADT). The Seagle (short for the Sponsored Eagle, of course) is here to rescue you from the woke moralists tying you down.
Life is so much more fun when you embrace our loving, caring corporate overlords. No matter how much you try to resist, they’re not going anywhere anytime soon. What are you gonna do, protest? I’m sure Ronald McDonald, CEO of McDonald’s, sheds tears every time somebody shuns his business. Perhaps he even wipes them away with $100 bills. That was sarcasm, for those of you who couldn’t pick that up. Take a Masterclass lesson for that.
Corporatism is the heart of America. America not only runs on Dunkin’, but on its fellow Giants in the food industry, as well. What kind of patriot can you call yourself if you subvert our beautiful country by buying locally? Uncle Sam frowns upon those of you who keep anarchist farmers’ markets in business. On the other hand, Uncle Sam is smiling ear-to-ear for me. I know he’s waiting for me in American heaven, at the Pearly Gates™ (brought to you by Colgate).
Try as hard as you can to deny it, you hippie tree-hugger socialists. Corporations are as big a part of your life as your own family. We have a word for children who don’t show proper respect to their caregivers: brats. How ironic that you all claim to love the “Brat” album. If you aren’t flooding your online timelines with Spotify data, how else will Charli XCX know you exist? We all know enjoying your interests privately is a dangerous theory propagated by those who hate America.
They say that money can’t buy happiness. That’s true. It’s the things you buy with that money that give you happiness. Brokies may disagree, but we don’t listen to them. That’s why I bought my noise-cancelling Beats headphones. When I’m not listening to the all-ads station on my Toyota’s radio, I’m roaming the streets, taking in all of the new stores that are popping up in my neighborhood. It seems like every day, another mom-and-pop store gets forced out of business by the big dogs. Glorious, right? Gentrification can’t come soon enough.
Domenic DiPietro is a freshman at American University and is a satire columnist.
This article was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown, Nicole Kariuki and Jaden Anderson.
