It’s clearly hard for men. They see the array of going-out tops that women frolic around in and want to be a part of the fun. But their lack of creativity (or, I guess, the lack of creativity in the Zara men’s section) manifests itself in their fashion. They either have a 100 percent polyester loose button-down with an image of a horse or a race car on the back, or a 95 percent polyester-cotton blend tank top. But my God! Do they always have to go with the more heinous choice?
Every day, more and more men with bad taste get the idea to try on the black tank. Each culturally uninspired man can infect up to 18 others if they are not vaccinated with better tastes. Take class of ‘26 student Himbo Jimbo, for example. He just saw his girl friends show off their Shein hauls. All the interesting palettes of flammable fabrics obviously made him envious; he, too, wanted to pull off something simple and formfitting. In his darkest moment, he saw a line of arrogant-looking men waiting outside Decades, all wearing black “wife beaters.” And off to the Amazon website he went. (For every link you click, I receive a 5 percent commission.)
Himbo is actually a pretty good guy. He helped walk an old lady across the street, even if that old lady was just Sylvia Burwell after centuries without proper UV protection. But something about his nature changes when he dons the black “wife beater.” In an exclusive sit-down interview, he gets right to the bottom of it:
“I’m actually doing something subversive; we all know “wife beaters” to be the perfect white undershirt that’s meant to absorb sweat and not be as visible when you layer it beneath other shirts. But I joined the innovative group of men who wanted to put themselves out there creatively and asked.” Himbo stood to rip apart his shirt to reveal a black “wife beater” underneath. “What if this thing was the opposite color? I now have the perfect outfit to go from day to night! They think I’m hiding in the shadows, but I AM the shadows. I become the night.”
I tuned out for the Batman bit because I was too busy wincing and was trying to whittle a holy cross out of my pencils. But nothing seemed to affect the harlot in his current state. The psychological damage from seeing him suck in his stomach and pose his arms like a gorilla was enough for me to instantly get aphasia and collapse on the spot.
Have men always been this desperate in their search for validation? I’d make a comic to go with this, but it’s too scandalous and racy to publish. If this were a socially conservative school, A LOT OF Y’ALL would be dress-coded. As someone who cares about refined taste, I beg of you to just cut off the midriffs of your t-shirts if you’re that desperate to adopt the attitude of a fallen woman. It’s a lot more freeing than you think!
Jasmine Shi is a junior in the School of Communications and is the satire editor.
This article was edited by Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks and Olivia Citarella.
