The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Students at the most liberal college campus in the United States, members of American University’s Student Government shocked the public today by authorizing the first use of the death penalty in D.C. in decades. This was done to punish Ryan Chaffin, who pulled a fire alarm in Letts Hall at 12:09 a.m. last Wednesday. While initially hesitant, SG was moved to allow the execution after immense pressure from its freshman constituents. This allegedly came as a shock to both SG and the administration, though interviews with freshmen showed that it was not unexpected by them.
“Yeah, I knew that it was only a matter of time,” said Anderson Hall resident Ben Aubert. “Now I’m a pacifist, so I usually wouldn’t condone this, but… sometimes there’s only so much you can take.”
Aubert assured The Seagle that he strongly believes in the ability to reform criminals and didn’t waver in his position until around the eighth false alarm.
“You can tell yourself that you would never betray your morals,” Aubert said frankly, “But after that last alarm, all bets are off.”
This sentiment is shared by fellow Anderson resident and self-appointed executioner Anika Joshe, who pioneered the movement for the installation of the death penalty at the University. Sharpening her axe on her grindstone, Joshe was confident that this would put an end to the early morning disturbances.
“I’ve been ready for this since the third alarm,” bragged Joshe, putting on a black hood. Joshe explained that she always knew SG would come around; she just didn’t know how long it would take. She initially advocated for thrashing Chaffin publicly as part of her proposed “Misbehavior Discouragement Plan,” but settled for a decapitation after pushback from the administration.
Joshe expressed hopes that the new Alger administration would take her suggestions seriously, including the implementation of reforms like putting security cameras in dormitories with a sign reading “ALWAYS WATCHING” underneath, and the formation of an elite police force to patrol for miscreants causing public disturbances. Joshe went so far as to mock the Burwell administration for what she perceived as a lack of pragmatism.
“Waah! Waah! Violence against our students is wrong! Waah! A surveillance state is unethical! Waah!” Joshe wailed mockingly. Despite this, she offered former President Sylvia Burwell a formal invitation to the execution, which she eagerly called “The Show.”
In the wake of this situation, the statement that was given to The Seagle by death row student Ryan Chaffin was surprisingly brief. He assured reporters that although he was “bummed” that he would be facing his demise, he was still proud of what he had accomplished.
“It was really funny, seeing everyone get so pissed off,” Chaffin said with a smile. “I saw one dude going outside in a towel. A towel! That’s hilarious!”
Whether this will incentivize students to refrain from misconduct is uncertain, and whether or not this type of punishment will become precedent is still up in the air. Either way, Joshe remains ecstatic that her axe will finally be put to good use.
Jack Leary is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown and Nicole Kariuki.
