I’m not gonna dance around this word. I’m too upset! Why does everybody have to poop when I need to poop? And in the exact same places!
Last year, I published a list (lazy…) describing the best bathrooms on this campus. When I did my two-week-long research project of dumping wherever I went, I didn’t expect to be thanked for my work. I didn’t want the student body to revere me as the virgin mother Mary, partially because I’m Buddhist and nobody told me who she was. But I’m still hurt that people are callously using the poop article like the toilet paper they wipe their butts with!
Maybe this is my fault; if I wanted to prevent this problem, I should’ve just gatekept. I should’ve just listened to the editors who kept on saying “no” to my arguably very funny poop jokes. It’s impossible to spread this kind of information widely and not attract some bad apples. But isn’t it excessive to always knock on a door and hear “occupied” or “come on in?”
The other day I was on campus in between classes, desperately needing to poop. So I scurry over to my favorite spot, [LOCATION REDACTED], only to see a line around the door! D.C.’s hottest club is not Ultrabar anymore, it’s now [LOCATION REDACTED]! The pristine granite tiles and immaculately cleaned mirror are forever stained by the amount of BUTTS THAT HAVE BEEN RUBBED ALL OVER!
Plus the pee droplets on the toilet seats. Gross. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat. Or just be brave enough to travel to the public stalls and go pee there.
I think everybody knows that I love diversity, equity and inclusion. I love bringing it up whenever I can. I thought I could define my altruism by helping out the shy poopers everywhere. But I see that human greed comes before all. No one’s gonna be patient when it comes to nature’s call. When people are done starving on the streets, they’ll have full bellies that they need to clear out. Then they’ll swarm about like hungry swans and hog up [LOCATION REDACTED].
I understand that I created a monster. And I’ll own up to it! But who are you to be so full of poop that even the toilet’s jealous? Y’all are a bunch of phonies, and I’m never doing anything nice ever again.
UN-sincerely,
Jasmine Shi
Jasmine Shi is a junior in the School of Communications and is the satire editor for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown and Nicole Kariuki. Fact checking done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella and Diana Melgar.
