After requiring two-factor authentication on all students’ Canvas and email accounts, the University takes its robust security measures to the residence halls

Opinion

Satire: How to ruin your parents’ marriage (if it isn’t already broken)

By Jasmine Shi | April 19

Strategies and benefits to take monetary advantage over the suffering of others

Opinion

Satire: American University introduces new ‘Eagle Light’ service

By Jasmine Shi | March 27

Giant Eagles will begin replacing campus police when an alarm in the ‘Blue Light’ station sounds

Opinion

Satire: Students bite back after dog-directed blog drops ball with publishing

By Jared Bowes | February 22

After hiring a poodle to manage the SPA blog, contributors leave in protest

News

Satire: The Seagle’s satire writers in crisis: It’s just too easy

By India Siecke | February 16

A comical fall semester has led to existential dread over the spring

Opinion

Satire: In rare feat never seen before, student takes 18 credits and tells no one

By India Siecke | February 15

“I’ve been hearing rumors about this individual for weeks, but I’m still unsure of her existence,” one professor said.

Opinion

Satire: Shocking! Male CLEG major asks relevant question

By India Siecke | February 7

In a twist of fate no one could have predicted, a male CLEG major asked an on-topic question

Opinion

Satire: New lockout policy leaves students living in the lounges

By Jared Bowes | February 3

Can’t afford to sleep in your own bed? Try a lounge couch today!

Opinion

Satire: Student Health Center declares a state of emergency as frat flu destroys campus

By Jared Bowes | February 2

The student body fights back against the flu with mass migration to urgent care

Opinion

Satire: Fairy population of TDR dying due to fewer people ‘believing in what they eat’

By Jasmine Shi | February 1

Decal message fails to persuade mortal diners into trusting quality of food

Opinion

Satire: Sentient toys left behind in students’ childhood bedrooms conduct exodus to American University in hopes of reuniting with their owners

By Jasmine Shi | January 23

The story of how an abandoned toy sparked a revolution for all

Opinion

Satire: Hustling without being troubling: trendy ways to pay for college

By Jasmine Shi | January 20

An advice column on strategies to earn money during college

News

Satire: New University-wide participation policy requires students to deliver impromptu State of the Union speech in front of the entire United States citizenry

By Nora Sullivan | December 15

'I just don’t see how I can make a State of the Union speech and interrupt a peer in the same class period'

Opinion

Satire: SPA requires great deal of begging to be re-subscribed to digest

By Jared Bowes | December 13

Begging, bribing and breakdancing: One student’s attempt to be resubscribed

The UFL and Why it's Good for the Sport

Section 202 hosts Connor Sturniolo and Gabrielle McNamee are joined by fellow Eagle staff member and phenomenal sports photographer, Josh Markowitz. Follow along as they discuss the United Football League and the benefits it provides for the world of professional football.

Solutions by The State News